LinkedIn is Completely Useless

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LinkedIn is so terrible, I cannot even think of a proper, clever way to insult it. Do you realize how incredible that is? I, someone who writes good and is smart guy, am struggling to do the thing where I put the words together in a smart guy way.

Let me give it another try.

There’s a greater chance of Alex Jones having a normal blood pressure and a non-pink skin tone than there is LinkedIn being helpful to anyone.

That’s somewhat gooder, right?  

LinkedIn is the social media equivalent of dental floss or soap and hot water in a public restroom: those supposedly important things that everyone swears they use. But they are lying. They don’t use LinkedIn. They don’t floss. And while they may run the water in the sink, they don’t used the soap and wash their hands.

Don’t wince in disgust, because I’ve perfectly described you, pig.

Now, before you pull a Danny Tanner and sit on my bed, put a hand on my shoulder, and ask me if I even tried to use LinkedIn, let me inform you that I’ve read everything there is to know about LinkedIn. And by everything, I mean half of a book and a bunch of list-articles showing me tips and tricks that are all the same.

Put your name at the top of your profile page.

Wow, riveting.

 

LinkedIn is an Imitator

I remember LinkedIn being shoved down my throat during my final year of college.

“LinkedIn is very beneficial when looking for jobs,” said the professor, who for decades did not need LinkedIn to find a job.

He pulls up his LinkedIn, complete with a profile picture displaying his fat head. Underneath his red mug was a rundown of everywhere he’s worked and everything he does.

“Isn’t LinkedIn a glorified resume?” asked me, intelligently.

“Nooooooooooo,” the professor hissed behind the sleeve of his black cloak.

A resume displays your work history chronologically, your college degree, and contact information. Whereas LinkedIn profiles display your work history chronologically, your college degree, and contact information.

Show me the difference, please.

 

LinkedIn is Email Spam

There are around 80,000 emails in my email inbox. About 20,000 are LinkedIn related. Of those 20,000, about 19,000 are notifications from other LinkedIn users congratulating me on something trivial.

“Tim, congratulations on your new job position!” says three random family members, and a guy I hated in high school.

“Tim, happy work anniversary.” Thanks for taking seconds out of your day to send me an auto-response.

“Tim, there is a new job opportunity for you on your LinkedIn.”

*Checks LinkedIn*

“Are you ready to change your life and do something meaningful? Then become a recruiter today! You will help us recruit other recruiters for a goal that has not been determined, yet.”

*Deletes LinkedIn*

 

LinkedIn is One Big Lie

As stated before, I am a stooge and thought that if I put effort into my LinkedIn profile, things would be different. I would not only receive interest from employers, but make those coveted networking connections my dad is always blabbering about when I tell him that I hate anyone and everyone in my line of sight.

“Tim, how do you plan to get ahead in your career if you are constantly removing yourself from human interaction?”

How do you plan to…….shut up, dad.

Like so many other fools, I’ve Google’d “how to use LinkedIn” or “LinkedIn tips.” Around 19 million results appear in the form of lists written by entrepreneurs/hacks. How are the lists different? Funny you should ask because they are not different.

“Put your email underneath your name.”

“Keep your job descriptions short but precise.”

“Be sure to endorse other people’s skills.”

In LinkedIn, you have the option to endorse skills, which is a joke. My uncle endorsed my skills using Microsoft Excel.

  1. I haven’t seen or talked to my uncle in five years
  2. I don’t use Microsoft Excel. Every employer goes insane over Microsoft Office skills, so I figure I lie about it now and watch how-to YouTube videos on it later. It’s not at all unethical.

Keep this in mind next time you feel impressed that your mom, who forgot her SBC Global email password, has 45 endorsements for coding.

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