From The Desk: Sept. 26


Apple picking

It’s basically going to the winery for the whole family, except you can’t get drunk so it’s actually worse.

It’s officially Fall, which means everyone suddenly has an appetite for apple picking and Hocus Pocus, which contrary to popular belief is a terrible movie. Holiday-themed movies are all terrible, including Elf. If they were good you’d watch them year-round instead of having your DVR record it all 25 times its on ABC Family.

I’m not calling ABC Family FreeForm. I’m not going to dignify such a gross choice with my acknowledgement. Its like when your divorced mom brings home Martin, “whose cool because he watches Keeping Up With The Kardashians just like you guys!”

“Wow, Kylie is pregnant. We totes know it was really Kris’ decision, though, right gang?”

Although I agree with Martin’s theory, no one look at him. That will only encourage him to further exist in our lives.

Apple picking is such a dumb idea. An entire afternoon is down the toilet because it’s suddenly fun drive 45 minutes to the nearest farm and pay to perform manual labor and eat fruit.

Apples aren’t even the best fruit. Apples suck.

The only time an apple is appealing is when it’s covered in caramel, peanuts, or M&Ms. Even then, the candy-coat is the only thing I eat before I chuck whole apples out my car window.

LDR’s are hard

I’m between a rock and a hard place with my long-distance relationship.

One of us will have to move, and the smart money is on the person not named Tim Godfrey.

Earlier this year, my girlfriend made the selfish decision to accept a job (that she “loves”, allegedly) in a different city and leave a large vacancy in my life: the person who picks up the check for dinner.

Now, I am the one who has to write checks made out to Applebee’s because I haven’t had to pay for dinners in two years. 

Her absence, however, has allowed me for free time to do nothing, which is the preferred activity. When she was in town, she constantly wanted to do things together, which was the least appealing attribute about her.

But I’m rapidly approaching the fork in the road where I will have to make a definitive decision of whether I want free dinners or free time for the rest of my life. An examination of the black, sulfur pit that is my heart will likely lead me to send her a “we’re done” text in the future when she has the nerve to ask me why I haven’t visited her in more than a year. 

Kyrie Irving isn’t fooling anyone

Flat-earth truther and passive-aggressive target of LeBron James, Kyrie Irving, is definitely trying the ol’ “it was only an experiment” trick and he is convincing no one.

Irving spoke with CBS Boston and said when that he was only doing an experiment when he told everyone he thought the earth was flat.

“It was all an exploitation tactic. It literally spun the world — your guy’s world — it spun it into a frenzy and proved exactly what I thought it would do in terms of how all this works. It created a division, or, literally stand up there and let all these people throw tomatoes at me, or have somebody think I’m somehow a different intellectual person because I believe that the earth is flat and you think the world is round. It created exactly that.

Notice he said “your guy’s world”, as in the one that is round.

“It became like, because I think different, does that knock my intellectual capacity or the fact that I can think different things than you?” he asked. “That was the intent behind it. Do your own research, don’t come to me and ask me. At the end of the day, you’re going to feel and believe the way you want to feel. But don’t knock my life over that. When I do something, I know my intent. And it proved what I thought it would.”

This is a drawn-out version of talking crap behind someone’s back, and then telling everyone you were joking when their reactions were not what you intended they would be.

“Guys, guys! I was only testing your loyalty to Jim when I called him a horse’s ass. You all passed. But I was also testing your ability to receive alternative positions on people in our office, and you have failed that test. Wow, can’t believe I was able to rock your world with my Solomon-like tests. Tisk, tisk, gang.”

Not once did Irving say, “I knew all along the Earth is round” because he definitely believes the Earth is flat.


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