Bathroom etiquette is dead


Today, I am speaking out on a very important issue that I feel everyone is ignoring because they are either too afraid or too intimidated to do so. Hell, some of you may be the culprits committing such a heinous crime.

The fact that I am writing on this issue should be proof enough of how bad things have gotten, knowing how rarely I point out the errors of Man.

But Tim, you complain about everything…

Typical mouth-breathing doofus. I never complain. Through the art of blogging—which like painting everyone can do but only a handful of us can do it well—I shed light on everything that is stupid and inconveniences me. Everything I have said is impenetrable to opposing arguments.

What about when you said inviting friends and family to an infant’s birthday party is a selfish waste of time?

Again, an untouchable-and-correct position. Children cannot remember any notable life event before the age of 10. You really think they keep a list of people who snubbed them on birthday party appearances? I’m not that kid’s parent. Why should I be trapped at that party and be forced to engage in small talk with new grandparents about how they can’t believe they’re already grandparents?

“I don’t even have gray hair and I’m already a grandparent, HAHAHAHAHA. How is that possible?”

Through the magic of hair dying, Jenine. That’s the only way to explain a 72 year-old with jet black hair.

But more so than oblivious elderlies, there is a problem affecting our daily life and more importantly, my daily life: Abhorrent bathroom etiquette.  

Problem No. 1: The Talking
In some social settings, a room full of men opening up their pants might invite conversation or at the very least, heavy petting. The bathroom is not one of those social settings.

When I use the restroom, I have two goals: excrete waste and burn time on the workday. That’s it. I am not going in there hoping to find another guy posted up at the urinal so that I can pick his brain.

However, that’s the goal of nearly every other person who is not me. An overwhelming amount of men use the restroom to throw out conversation pieces without any context.

Idiot: “Man, those Packers….”

Me: *Silence*

Idiot: “I mean, play football much?”

Me: “It’s funny you mention that because I was just thinking to myself that I hope you drop dead.”

Problem No. 2: The cleanliness
Trash is everywhere but the trash can. Water stains the mirror and bits of food are sprinkled over it because someone was flossing-then-spitting their food bits.  The smell of dead animal sits heavy and thick.

Every men’s room is basically a Chernobyl aftermath with pee all over the floor.

Problem No. 3: The sounds
Are you going to the bathroom or dying? Because you sound like your trying to pass a cinder block.

What are you eating? It certainly isn’t fiber or manners. I’m in the same room as you and instead of waiting for me to leave first, you’re treating me to a one-man orchestra about what is going to happen to me when I’m 50.

Problem No. 4: Wash your hands or don’t. Pick a lane
This issue is victimless, but it’s nonetheless irritating.

After doing the deed, men have their choice of three of options:

  1. Embraces the full process of hand-washing (hot water, soap, scrub, rinse, dry).
  2. Runs his hand under cold water for a second and then walk out while using his pants as a towel.
  3. Pretend to dispense soap onto his hands, like a mime, rub hands and walk out, sometimes forgetting to turn off the sink.


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