Wednesday Wisdom


It’s Wednesday, so this seems like the perfect time for wisdom because alliteration I guess.

We shift from Motivation Monday to Taco Tuesday to Wisdom Wednesday and then to Thirsty Thursday. It’s like we know all the motivational posters and faux wisdom can get old in 24 hours.

So before you drown yourself in Tequila tomorrow, take in some wisdom from the best source around — Twitter.

Workout your mind

It’s attributed to Unknown because no one knows anyone who would say something this dumb. There are plenty of bad workouts that are far worse than not working out at all.

A bad workout is getting your larynx crushed by a barbell because your spotter was too busy saying “YOU GOT THIS BRO! I’M HERE FOR YOU!” while hovering his junk in your face.

Sitting and doing moderate work burns 170 calories per hour, according to a Google search I skimmed.

That’s deep, bro

Making a faux wisdom post is really simple — include buzz words and instruct menial, pointless tasks. Be sure to make it vague, too.

What if a forklift driver who hates being sober at work is reading this, Aaron?

I understand that some people mean well when they write things like this. But if they follow more than 900k people on Twitter and their header image is their signature, then it’s a good sign that maybe the person behind the #wisdom is full of it.

That’s deep, gurl

Again, this is mindless conjecture that sounds deep because it’s so simple. I’m surprised she didn’t make all the lines rhyme.

Can’t pay rent with happiness. I’ve made peace with the fact that I’m a cynical moron who eats food over the sink despite having plates, but I’m no more successful than I was yesterday.

Health is not wealth because she just said it’s happiness that is the new rich. Kindness is not cool. The coolest guy I know is John Wick and he spends 90 minutes shooting and stabbing people.

A Pooh in the woods

This isn’t wisdom. It’s a statement of fact between a young pig and the dumbest bear in the woods. More specifically, a dumb bear with no job, no pants and an uncomfortable infatuation with a young boy.

They even made a movie about how Pooh stalks the boy who has grown up and has a family of his own. It’s called, Winnie the Pooh and the Expired Restraining Order. 

Bill Murray sucks

Bill Murray, a hero to every guy who has The Chive as his Google Chrome home page, sucks.

Here’s a story about Bill Murray being difficult on the set of Groundhogs Day. He treated his friend — the late Harold Remis — like a total jerk. But I guess that’s Bill Murray just being a horse’s ass Bill Murray

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